Julie’s News from Maryland

In the past month I’ve taken 3 mid-terms.  I’ve learned some very useful and interesting things about the OT prophets, about Paul and some of his theology in his writings in the NT, and about the 3rd century martyrs.  I know that this material is creating a foundation of academic knowledge on which I will continue to build.  While I’m not so sure I did well on all of the exams, I am able to see clearly the knowledge that I’ve gained from studying for them.

I’ve learned a number of other things in the past month that I think will be of equal or greater value to me as I go forward.  I’m going to try to outline them to the best of my understanding:

• I need to get very comfortable with the fact that not everybody likes me.  It’s been a long time since I have joined a new community (10 years at one parish, 8 years at my previous job).  I have forgotten that a common experience that I have is that often a large segment of a new community doesn’t like me.  Over time, most people that encounter me regularly and get to know me get past that initial dislike and at least come to tolerate me if not become friends.  But, it is a reality in my world that there are a subset of people that initially really dislike me.  This is a valuable thing for me to know.  It has been my experience that no matter how well-liked a parish priest or rector is, there are always people that just don’t like them. It is good for me to get comfortable with people disliking me.
• I have made this a primary assumption about the world: I assume that everyone knows that my opinion is just that and that I am aware that they probably have a different opinion that is just as valid based on their experience.  I think that I have learned a few things in this area.  I’ve learned that not everyone understands that my strongly held opinion does not invalidate their opinion in my eyes.  I’ve also learned that some people are not as aware that their position is a bias or opinion, but rather treat it as fact.  Learning these things has reminded me that I have to take the initiative to remind people that I think their opinion is valid, even when it doesn’t match mine. The goal for me is always to find consensus - to look for the commonalities and the differences in each of our biases such that we can find common ground and a solution that works for everyone. I can’t assume that people know that this is my goal, I need to be more careful about stating it clearly.  I also need to be careful to remember that not everyone shares that same goal.
• Nice is not a virtue to which I aspire.  I think I have realized that our culture defines nice as: always being positive and friendly and never being confrontational.  As a friend of mine said to me recently, “If you are always nice to everyone at all times, you aren’t being genuine or honest with at least some of those people some of the time.”  While I aspire to be gracious, generous, and merciful (as much is humanly possible for me, sigh), I also aspire to be authentic, genuine, and truthful about my experience as much as I can.  Sometimes my authentic self is harsh and confrontational and it doesn’t seem very nice.  But, I think I’ve decided that I would rather err on the side of being authentic about my own experience rather than putting on the happy face and being nice.
• I need to live more in the gray area and less in the black and white.  While I know this already, I have to keep reminding myself of it all the time.  I have to remember that situations, events, feelings, and actions are not “all or none”. Every idea, opinion, thought, etc. is shaped by a complex set of gray areas.  I tend to do and think things in the extremes, forgetting that the world is much more complex than that.  I have to get better at being in the gray area.

None of these are completely formulated thoughts just yet.  I know that I am still working through them in my head and I suspect that I’ll adapt what I think about each of them as I continue to experiment with my own assumptions and behaviors. All of them are very difficult and painful lessons to learn.  It’s annoying that I’m not smart enough to remember what I have learned in the past about these things - it’s not like I’ve never had to learn these lessons before (Do you ever feel like you just keep repeating the same stupid mistakes?) However, I am glad to have had the opportunity to identify them as areas of growth for me so that I can begin to think about how they’ll affect me in a parish.  I’d much rather practice these things in seminary than in my first job.

 

The title of a CNN news article today was ‘Perfect wife’ Confesses to Preacher’s Slaying’.  A young woman with three children is accused of murdering her husband, a preacher.  His body was found in their home two days ago and she was found with the children a few states away.  A parishioner described Mary Winkler as always seeming like “the perfect mother, the perfect wife,” with very loving children.

Isn’t that always how these news articles go?  “He was so quiet, such a nice man.”  “She was the perfect wife.”  “He was so devoted to his church and family.”  People have said all of these things about others in disbelief when they have learned of a crime that they committed.

I have a theory about this.  My theory is that our fear of exposing our weaknesses, our brokeness, our mistakes, causes us to keep all of it inside and eventually we just can’t hold it inside and something terrible happens as a result.  We don’t tell our friends and co-workers about the imperfect parts of our marriages or the times that we really screw up as a parent.  We don’t share our insecurities and struggles with those that we claim to be closest to us.  We don’t talk to one another about tough things - real things - that need to be addressed in order for our relationships to be healthy. Instead, we put a big smile on our face and act like everything is wonderful.  In the end, our unwillingness to be authentic with one another leaves us isolated and the isolation only adds to our insecurity and fear.  Inevitably, something bad happens.Some people do terribly destructive things to themselves and others do destructive things to the people around them.

I’m so glad that no one ever thinks of me as the perfect wife or the perfect mother or the perfect anything for that matter.  I am so grateful that my brokeness, my imperfections, and my mistakes are out in the world for all to see.  While the people around me might not always be so pleased that I am willing to be “out there” and make mistakes and test the world and be my authentic self, I know that it is the only way that I can really truly be in relationship with those around me.  It is the only way that I can prevent myself from collapsing under the weight of my own brokeness.  It is by sharing one another’s burdens and helping one another to bring those burdens and struggles to Jesus that we prevent the isolation that so often leads to tragedy.

Ella loves to go to Eucharist at chapel at seminary. I don’t know why she likes to go, but she likes to go. I find the culture of chapel to be heavy and full of fear and trepidation. As I’ve mentioned before, it often brings me despair. Not to mention the fact that chapel here is totally different from worship that Ella has experienced before: it is quiet, there are no other children, and she can’t sing any of the songs. Yet she really likes to go. I don’t take her very often, once or twice a week at the most. Most of the time she is very good, but occasionally she gets loud and disruptive, but usually only for a few minutes and then she settles down again.

I will admit that I often bring Ella to chapel for my own selfish reasons. Sometimes Ella is the only place that I see the Holy Spirit moving in that chapel: when she tries to bless herself and goes back and forth across her chest three times, when she says “Amen!” at the end of the prayer that she is so desperate to be part of, when she raises her little pudgy fingers to receive communion. I see the Holy Spirit alive in the innocence of her faith and her naive desire to belong to the body of Christ.

Before spring break, two of my close friends came to me to talk to me about Ella in the chapel. They were wonderful and gracious and spoke of how much they value me and Ella and both of us in chapel. But they also expressed some concerns about her disruptions and wanted to talk with me about some ways that we can help keep them to a minimum. They offered to bring crayons and toys and to even entertain her when it looks like I am flustered. It was a wonderful conversation and I felt so cared for and loved that they honor me enough to come and talk to me about something so important. It took a great deal of courage for them to step into relationship with me and be authentic with me about their struggles and allow me to be authentic with them about mine. I am so grateful for their friendship and feel that our relationship is more meaningful and trustworthy as a result.

Today I met with the chaplain on campus to discuss some unrelated struggles. She mentioned to me that several other people had come to talk with her about their frustrations with Ella in chapel - specifically that she was occasionally distracting and often made it difficult to hear the sermon. I have heard casually from others that “people aren’t used to children in chapel around here.”

I feel like I am caught in a controversy that no one intended to be a controversy. On one hand, I have a little girl that loves to go to chapel and on the other hand I have a community of adults that is unaccustomed to accomodating a small child in their worship. Frankly, I’m not sure what to do about it.

Last week, I decided to try taking Ella to a local parish that celebrates Eucharist on weekdays. The congregation was extremely welcoming as was the priest. Several people went out of their way to introduce themselves and the priest, during the service, said more than once what a joy it was to have Ella with them. It was very welcoming and such a joyful service, I thought maybe I’d found my solution. Afterwards, I asked Ella what she thought of that chapel. She said, “I don’t like that chapel. I like our chapel.” I said, “Why do you like our chapel, Ella?” She said, “Because the people there love me.”

“Because the people there love me.” When Ella goes to chapel she isn’t looking for a place to be formed. She isn’t looking to learn something profound from the sermon. She is is looking to experience the love of Jesus through a community of faithful people that love her.

I’m still not sure what to do with Ella and chapel. For the first time in almost a month, I took her to Eucharist today and she was very good through the service. It is work to contain her behavior, but if it means that she gets to feel Jesus’ love, then I suppose I can work at it with her. Interestingly enough, we read a portion of Psalm 78 today:

Give ear, O my people, to my teaching;
incline your ears to the words of my mouth!
I will open my mouth in a parable;
I will utter dark sayings from of old,
things that we have heard and known,
that our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children,
but tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might,
and the wonders which he has wrought.
He established a testimony in Jacob,
and appointed a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children;
that the next generation might know them,
the children yet unborn,
and arise and tell them to their children,
so that they should set their hope in God,
and not forget the works of God,
but keep his commandments;

Maybe that is my answer.

I got a B on my Church History test.  Woohoo!  I studied like a maniac and went into the test feeling like I didn’t know very much.  I answered the questions and wrote the essay as best I could, but was still unsure of myself.  But, I got a B.  This gives me a great deal of hope for the upcoming midterms.  As it stands, I feel like I don’t know anything for tomorrow’s test and I’m sure I don’t know anything for Monday’s test.  But, if that feeling equates to getting a B (or even a C), I’m good with that.

I arrived home from Florida yesterday and have been catching up on the world since I got here. Tonight I organized my calendar and looked at the upcoming due dates for homework and such. I am stunned at how much work I have to do in the next 6 weeks:

• two midterms between now and a week from Monday
• two 10 page papers due the first week in May (that is only 6 weeks away. eek!)
• various other shorter essays and discussion questions and reading

To all of this I add visitors for 2 weeks in April and Rick’s crazy rehearsal schedule (Friday and Monday nights, and the better part of Saturdays and Sundays). I am trying not to panic, but I’m a little nervous about getting it all done. I am going to seriously need to focus and get the work done, even if I would rather be chatting in Instant Messenger or reading articles on Salon. I always do this, though. I panic and bite the bullet and then end up getting things done in plenty of time. Nothing like panic to really motivate me!

I survived the Church History mid-term. Thanks to Jay, when Apokotastatis showed up on the test the only think I could think of was “Poka? I hardly know her.”  (Read the comments from the previous post if you need that explained). Fortunately, there were other choices and I was able to answer them.  I think I did good enough to pass.  And, as my friend says, “Done is better than good.

Now we are on spring break.  I am doing a contract job next week, so won’t get much of a break.  I’m going to try not to do too much homework and studying, though I do need to prepare for my Old Testament midterm.  As hard as it was to put together all the information to complete the Church History study guide, it is better to have a study guide than not to have one.  My OT professor informed us that he thinks it is important for us to learn to discern what is important to know, so he is giving us no idea what to study for the midterm.  Should make it interesting. 

In case you were afraid that seminary is just a code word for “resort”, I’ve included below the list of terms and personalities that we are supposed to learn for our church history midterm next week. The instructor will give us a list of terms and ask us to define 2 of them and a list of people and ask us to give short biographies of 3 of them. The good news is that the students in the class ahead of us also had to know these things for their test, so they shared the study guide that they created last semester. It has made it considerably easier for me to find the info I need in order to study. Now you know what I’ll be spending my time doing between now and next Thursday.

Terms
Catacombs
Orant
Collegium (association)
Logos
Church; ecclesia; household church
Bishop, Deacon, Presbyter, monepiscopacy; diakonia
Judaizers
“Two ways” literature (Didache, Barnabas etc)
Gnosticism
Docetism
Neoplatonism;
Montanism
Adoptionism
Chiliasm
Subordinationism
Encratities
Ebionites
Martyr, confessor; traditores, libellati
Orthodoxy, heresy, schism
Rule of faith
(Divine) economy
Canon of scripture
Recapitulation
Interpretation of scripture (literal, allegorical, spiritual, typological); theoria
Apostolic succession
Paschal controversy
Apologists
Diatessaron
Communicatio idiomatum
Apokatastasis
Double creation
Hexapla
Disciplina arcane
Anchotire, Cenobite
Theosis / divinization
Donatism
Asceticism, askesis, apatheia
Monachos, monasticism
Refrigerium
Labarum
Catechesis, Catechumenate
Baptistery

Personalities

Philo of Alexandria
Didache
Clement of Rome
Ignatius of Antioch
Polycarp of Smyrna
Epistle to Diognetus
Epistle of Barnabas
Melito of Sardis
Justin Martyr
Athenagoras
Tatian
Irenaeus of Lyons
Marcion
Valentinus
Plotinus
Hippolytus;
Tertullian
Perpetua
Cyprian of Carthage
Clement of Alexandira
Origen
Decius
Anthony of Egypt
Pachomius
Evagrius of Pontus
Diocletian (Great Persecution)
Eusebius of Caesarea
Constantine

Last night, my stewardship class took a field trip to the Episcopal Church Center (which is essentially the home office of the Episcopal Church). Our instructor, Terry, is the Stewardship Officer for the Episcopal Church and her office is in the Church Center.

Terry invited two of her colleagues to join us for a portion of the class. Rebecca, the head of the Deployment office, talked to us first. She has been in this position for about a year and has been doing a major assessment of the current database system that is used to post job listings in the church. It was developed in the early 70s, before we had women clergy or any serious ethnically diverse congregations. Rebecca is developing an entirely new system to help congregations create an identity that is accurate and to help clergy to do the same. With these identities established, her office will then be able to help match clergy and congregations effectively. She talked about all the research she has done regarding various personality profiles and had lots of great things to say about the eharmony.com profile. She has incredible vision and enthusiasm. She is even working to change the name of her organization from “Deployment” to “Transition” seeing that it is a more accurate reflection of the work that they do.

After hearing from Rebecca, we met Anthony who is the director of the Latino Ministry. Anthony talked extensively about the growth of the Latino population in the Episcopal church. He mentioned that Latino congregations tend to focus more on ministry than on rubrics - getting the gospel ‘done’ as it needs to be done, rather than worrying about who is doing what and if it is being done ‘properly’ (i.e. wearing only black shoes when acoltying).

Of course, Terry, our professor is also an incredible visionary with great enthusiasm. She really understands the gospel in a powerful way and is always proclaiming it.

I’m feeling so much hope for the Episcopal church since having been to the Episcopal Church Center and meeting these visionary leaders. It was so encouraging to see that the leaders in our Church are thinking about the future and about ways that we can be innovative and creative in how we proclaim the gospel. Sometimes seminary can be so steeped in the past and so caught up in the ‘tradition’ and ‘the way things have always been done’ that I worry that our focus on the ‘old’ will make us even more irrelevant to the average American than we already are.

I received the following in an email today from the Chief Sacristan. Notice that he does not even know me well enough to know that I never use ‘Julia’:

Julia,

You are scheduled to serve as an acolyte again this week. Please do not wear red boots. The Customary for GTS Acolytes is that attire is to be dark pants/skirt, dark socks, dark shoes (dark brown; preferably black), and shirts with no writing that will show through the alb. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

It would seem that the red boots are not appreciated in the chapel by those in command. However, the priest that served that day complimented them as did a couple of other students that I’ve seen in the days since.

I’m having a personal crisis about what to do about serving in chapel. Everytime I serve as an acolyte I feel so much despair that I can hardly breath. On Monday, I barely made it off of the altar before I started crying uncontrollably. sigh.