Julie’s News from Maryland

I love leaders that are direct, articulate, and honest while also being respectful and graceful. I envy these people because I always feel so clumsy, like I am trying to do all of that, but I just end up blurting things out and acting out in ways that are more harmful than helpful. I was reminded of all this when I read a letter written by the new Presiding Bishop today.

The Diocese of San Joaquin (in California) has an upcoming diocesan convention. The Episcopal News Service report gives a good summary of the agenda of the convention to discuss leaving the Episcopal Church USA. The Presiding Bishop has written a letter to the bishop. It’s fantastic. Well worth the read.

If only we could all be so graceful, yet honest in our interactions with one another.

I added a new album - on the right under Albums - called Fall 2006.  Just a few pictures from each of the kids’ birthday parties.  Nicholas turned 7 in October and Ella is 4 today.  Nicholas chose to have a graveyard themed party, convenient in October.  We made a cake that looked like a ghost and had flaming eyes.  Ella had a princess party with 7 little squealing girls.  Both of them had great parties and fun birthdays.  Check out the photos!

I was out and about in the city today with the kids and they were hungry.  Nicholas wanted a hot dog but Ella didn’t.  We saw a fruit stand, so I asked Ella if she wanted an apple and she did.  They were 2 for a $1.00, so I just asked for two.  As I was getting the dollar out of my wallet a man that was also buying a bag of fruit said, “I’ll pay for hers too.”  Of course, I told him that wasn’t necessary, but he insisted.  A little random act of kindness.

Later today, a friend of mine from California called and offered to take up a collection at church to raise the money to send me to the conference next weekend.  Unfortunately, logistics will prevent me from going at this point (Ella’s birthday party is now scheduled for Friday and Rick works two of the days that I’d be gone so getting sitters could be tough), but it was super nice of her to think of doing something like that for me. 

I preached again this week in my preaching class.  I was supposed to preach on Oct. 29, but there were some scheduling issues, so I ended up preaching this week, instead of last week.  Since I’d already started preparing the sermon based on the reading for that week, I just kept it.  The reading is Mark 10: 46-52.  It’s a great stewardship story.

It was sort of strange for me to write just the last sermon for the stewardship season.  Stewardship is such an important and complex theology that it is hard to do it justice in just one sermon.  In fact, in order to prepare this sermon, I ended up reading all the readings for the month and thinking about how I would have structured the sermons for the previous Sundays.

I think the sermon turned out pretty good.  I wish I’d tightened up the ending a bit more - the theology seems a little loose, and as one of my colleagues pointed out, a little exclusionary (either you respond this way or you don’t).  I just ran out of time, so this was as far as I got.  That’s what I get for not working on it while I was on retreat this weekend.  But, heck, I was on retreat and decided not to do homework.  

This is the last prepared sermon that I’ll give in my preaching class.  We will give two extemporaneous sermons in the coming weeks.  Our professor will give each of us a short passage and then we will have 30 minutes to prepare a 5 minute sermon that we’ll give right then. I’m sort of excited about trying that.  I did it once last semester for the preaching contest and it was fun.

And, now, the sermon:

 Well, what is your favorite “feel good” strategy?  We all have one.  That guilty pleasure.  That indulgence.  The one little thing that helps us escape, helps us feel better when we are down. 

I think many of you know that my husband’s is eBay.  Retail therapy.  Rick has discovered that, while it was impossible to spend time at the mall with two small children, it is pretty easy to shop on eBay.  Plus, there are the thrills associated with shopping on eBay.  First, there’s that amazing feeling that you’ve gotten something for so much cheaper than you could have gotten it anywhere else.  And second, you get to win.  It’s an auction, so you get to beat out anybody else that was trying to get your coveted item.  Winning, bargains, and new stuff all wrapped up in one.  Talk about a great diversion!  You can’t beat that retail therapy. 

A feel good strategy – we all have one.  That little pick-me-up that helps us escape for a moment or two.

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But what happens when that guilty pleasure gets a little out of hand?  What happens when the difficulties and the fears of everyday life are more than we can bear and we begin to rely on that “feel good” strategy for stability?

I’m convinced that we all find ourselves in this position at some point or another.  In fact, I think that the human condition is a cycle of this, actually.  As much as we want to follow God’s call, as much as we want to do “good” and be “good”, we fail.  We fail.  We don’t quite live up to the standard that we set for ourselves and we fail and we are ashamed.  And in our shame and our fear, we try to make ourselves feel better.  We look for ways to escape, to anesthetize ourselves – maybe we go shopping, maybe we have a drink, maybe we employ our grand and sophisticated powers of denial – but we do it.  We find a way to hide from the shame – at least temporarily.  And then, we start again.  We try to do good– we try to live out God’s call in the world, and we fail.  And the cycle continues – shame, anesthetizing, trying to do our best. We find ourselves overwrought, overworried, over anxious – unable to get out of the cycle.

Our “feel good” strategy doesn’t really make us feel good anymore, in fact it just leads us back to the shame and fear, but we can’t get out of it.

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In today’s gospel story, I think Bartimaeus is the kind of guy that has every reason to want to find a “feel good” strategy.  A blind man.  Ostracized from his community in every possible way. A beggar.  There he sits on the ground - surrounded by the dust and dirt that is being kicked up by the approaching crowd. 

If anyone should be full of shame and fear it should be Bartimaeus, don’t you think? Bartimeaus has spent his entire life being told that he and his parents are sinners. Obviously one of them did something because he is blind. He has been told that he deserves this and that he should be ashamed.  Bartimaeus has every reason to indulge in a feel good strategy – to find a way to escape the shame of his condition.

But, Bartimaeus doesn’t do that.  He doesn’t try to hide himself, even when he hears Jesus and a crowd coming his way. He doesn’t try to pretend that he isn’t a blind beggar.  Instead,  he calls out to Jesus straight on as loud as he can:

“Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

He stands right, smack dab in the middle of his brokenness and shame and proclaims his need for mercy to everyone. 

“Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

And the crowd freaks out, right?  They  don’t want to look at their own brokenness and shame, they certainly don’t want to see anyone else’s – especially Bartimaeus’.

And Jesus steps right into the middle of it with Bartimaeus asking him what he wants. Bartimaeus  asks for his sight and Jesus says, “Go, your faith has made you well.”

Go, your faith has made you well. 

I think my favorite part of this story is what happens next.  Jesus tells him to go and Bartimaeus  immediately follows him on the way.  Immediately he follows him on the Way.  He doesn’t go to the priests to have them verify that he is clean.  He doesn’t take his first opportunity ever to go into the temple. The guy has been waiting his whole life to go into the temple, but he doesn’t go there. He doesn’t go get a job so that he can stop being a beggar and start saving for a down payment on a house.  He doesn’t even seem to stop and weigh his options.  He immediately follows Jesus on the way.

What a stark contrast that is to the rich man we read about 2 weeks ago.  He asked Jesus specifically what he had to do to inherit eternal life and when he learned the answer, when he learned that he had to let go of his own possessions, he went away sad. 
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Bartimaeus teaches us how to reach out to Jesus. Bartimaeus teaches us to stand in the midst of our shame and brokenness and cry out to Jesus -  “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Jesus comes to us in that moment of fear. Jesus stands smack dab in the middle of our brokenness with us and  heals us.  Jesus releases us from our fear and our shame and frees us from the cycle of failure, shame, anesthetizing.  Jesus replaces the shame with joy.  Our lives are never the same again.  It might takes us months or years to get ourselves out of the hole that we’ve dug for ourselves with our “feel good” strategy gone bad, but with Jesus strength and mercy we do it.

And it’s in those moments of grace, when I feel Jesus creating a clean heart in me, that I am filled with gratitude.  I’m so thankful that I don’t even know what to do with myself.  I can’t help but want for others to experience the grace that I have just received.  I am just dying for the opportunity to extend the same mercy to someone that was just extended to me.

And it is in that moment of joy and gratitude that we do, essentially, what Bartimaeus did – we follow Jesus.  Maybe not as immediately.  Maybe not as dramatically.  But, we do.  We follow Jesus on the Way because we know now that Jesus’ Way leads us to joy and thankfulness that leads us to giving instead of that cycle of failure and shame that leads to anesthetizing.

And, that, my friends, is what stewardship is all about.  Stewardship is our joyful response in gratitude for the healing and the new life we experience in Jesus Christ.  When we truly experience Jesus’ mercy and grace, when we truly know what it means to be freed from that place of fear and shame, we can’t help but give – we find ourselves in a place of thankful giving – wanting to give of ourselves so that others can receive the blessing of God’s grace.

This is the last Sunday in our stewardship season – some of you are more thankful for that than others.  On this last Sunday in stewardship season I invite you to think about the new life you have been given by Jesus.  I invite you to reflect on the gratitude in your hearts – the great joy that you feel that compels you to thankful giving.  Respond in joyfulness and thankful giving for the grace and mercy that has been given to you by Jesus Christ.  “Go, your faith has made you well.”

Amen.
 

Well, this week has met me with some disappointments. First, I returned from the weekend retreat to find an email from the Academic Affairs Office (AAO) that I had not been selected to attend the Third Millenium Christianity Conference that is being hosted by Going Forward Together. Last week, an email was sent to students announcing that two full scholarships were available and to let the AAO know if you wanted to attend. I sent email. I phoned. I spoke to people in person. I did all that I could to communicate how enthusiastic I was about this particular conference. In some ways, it felt critical to me. I feel so called to preach the gospel in the 21st century - to think about ways that we can make the church relevant in the new millenium. This conference so hits that nail on the head. But, I wasn’t selected to attend. I thought about going on my own, but we just can’t justify the expense these days. I haven’t worked in almost six months, so the extra money for things like this just doesn’t exist these days.

And, today the seminary community voted to elect the next Community Council President. As of early yesterday, there were just two candidates, myself and another woman in my class. Yesterday evening a third candidate was nominated. I got the call tonight from the Convener of Elections that not only had I not won, but that none of the candidates had received a “majority” vote, so no one was elected. Here’s the really bad part: I came in third, so the other two candidates will participate in a run-off election next week, but not me. Not only was I not elected, but I lost in the most humiliating sort of way.

I keep telling myself that I am a confident, intelligent, thoughtful human being who will be a great priest. I have great friends that are thoughtful and supportive and have said all the right things. But, somehow that little kid inside, that stupid 7th grader that always felt awkward and didn’t have any friends, feels rejected and is full of self-doubt. 

Today is my birthday.  My kids and my husband celebrated with me first thing by bringing me gifts in bed.  They got me a Vintage Ice Bag in Green and Continuum, the new John Mayer CD.  They were both just what I wanted.  Rick and I went out to breakfast after the kids went to school.   My friend, Courtney, called and sang to me.  It has been a great day so far!

Oh yeah, and we were on TV.  The interview with the Presiding Bishop-elect aired on NBC’s today show at 8:40ish this morning.  We knew it would be on today, but we didn’t know when -  we were just lucky to catch it.  The interview was really great and there were a couple of glimpses of Rick and I in the background.  Celebrities for the day!

This has been a stressful week.  It started with me totally freaking out about a take home mid-term in my elective class, The History of the Episcopal Church.  I got the mid term late and then didn’t get it finished on time and was totally stressed about it.  Combine that with the stress that has been building at home - everyone has been thrown out of whack since CPE this summer - I was just overwhelmed.  Fortunately, I have wonderful classmates and professors and advisors that all told me to stop freaking out and just drop out of the class.  I have to get special permission from the Academic Affairs Committee, but hopefully that will not be too hard.  Since making that decision I’m feeling much calmer and more sane.  And, lots of great things happened this week that have boosted my mood.

 First, and most exciiting, I got to meet the Presiding Bishop-elect.  She was on campus filming an interview with Meredith Viera (I saw her - she wears a lot of makeup) for NBC news.  The news crew wanted some footage of the bishop interacting with students, so a few of us waited around outside (in the freezing cold) so that we could meet her.  She was very personable and introduced herself by name to each one of us individually (as if we don’t know her name!).  Rick and another spouse had joined us and the bishop asked them each about their experience at seminary.  I was really impressed and so excited that I got to meet her!

Yesterday was Halloween, of course.  The kids had fun trick-or-treating and Ella and I even sat on the stoop and gave out candy.  We had a couple of celebrity sightings.  Nicholas got candy from Genevieve, one of the designers on Trading Spaces and we gave candy to the child of one of the actors on Law & Order.  The weather was beautiful - 70 degrees yesterday.  It was so nice to have such a warm day for Halloween. 

Today, Daniel, my brother-in-law, invited me to speak to his respiratory therapist club about death and dying issues.  I wasn’t quite sure that I was qualified to do that nor was I certain that I would have anything to say, really.  But, as it turned out, I had a lot of useful things to say and the group seemed grateful that I had come to talk to them.  I was pleased with how it went and came away with some confidence that I don’t totally suck at everything, which has sort of been plagueing me as a general feeling lately.

I’m going away on retreat this weekend with my classmates and the new students.  I am really looking forward to it.  I remember feeling so lonely last year having just arrived and not really knowing anyone.  I am looking forward to being on retreat with people that I know and have come to care for a great deal.  It is so much more relaxing that way.