Julie's News from Maryland

It's been a week of downs and ups for me at CPE.  First for the down.  Early in the week, I met a woman in the ER when I was making my usual rounds and we chatted for quite a while.  The next morning when I made rounds I went to see her again. She hadn't slept well and was uncomforable.  She wanted me to stay with her for a while so I did.  Later in the day, the nurse called and said that she was requesting a chaplain, so I went to see her.  She was in a lot of pain and was very anxious.  Later in the day I went to see her and her condition had deteriorated.  Several doctors were working with her, treating her various ailments. They intubated her while I was there, so I didn't get much chance to talk to her since she was pretty heavily sedated.  I was reluctant to leave - I felt like she was dying.  But, there was no real reason to think that.  The doctors were treating her and I figured she would be moved to ICU soon.  I felt compelled to stay, but it was the end of the day and I thought I was being "silly" thinking that something bad would happen.  I opted to leave knowing that I'd see her in the morning when she was not so sedated.  When I got back in the morning, I learned that she had died about 1/2 hour after I left.  I just felt so sad.  I'm really disappointed that I talked myself out of my instinct.  My instinct told me to stay with her because she was about to die, but I talked myself out of it, telling myself that I was being "dramatic."  My supervisor asked me today if I was feeling guilty about it or if I needed to forgive myself for leaving.  I don't feel guilty, but I do think I have learned something about paying attention to my gut feeling.   I've attended several deaths, but I have never really had a personal relationship with the patient that has died.  Usually, I have had some relationship with the family, but the patient has been too sick to even communicate with me.  This is the first death that has felt like a loss for me.

On the upside, I have found a place in the hospital where I really feel useful - in the psychiatric ward.  First, let me say that my primary units are ICU and ER.  In ICU, usually the patients are unconcious or unresponsive.  Many are on their way to death and they are too sick to interact.  While I offer support to the family members, I don't really feel like I've had much impact on people's spiritual journey while I'm there.  ER is another strange place.  People in ER are always in transition - waiting to be admitted or waiting to leave.  Many are just trying to find out what is going on and they aren't exactly ready for deep spiritual conversation.  Plus, it is not exactly a quiet, peaceful place that lends itself to such a personal interaction.  So, I've been feeling a bit like I am not very good at this pastoral care thing.  I haven't connected much to too many patients and often I have a very short relationship with them - a few hours in ER or a day or two in ICU.

But, this week I got called to the psychiatric unit.  A patient had requested a chaplain, so I went up to see her.  We had a wonderful conversation and I've been back a few times to talk and pray with her.  Today, another request came from the psych unit for a chaplain, so I took it.  Again I had a fabulous conversation with a patient about his struggles and challenges.  Both patients suffer from depression, which is very familiar to me from my own struggles with depression.  I was able to connect with them quickly and I understand the language they speak when they talk about their sadness and despair.  I felt very comfortable with them.  Coincidentally, for two of my visits to psych, I was accompanied by a peer that was evaluating me.  Both peers gave me very positive feedback about my interactions with the patients.  I'm feeling more like I might not totally suck at this after all. 

As I suppose that you have surmised from the infrequency of my posts, CPE has been taking a ton of time.  Here is a run-down of what we've done in the past 3 weeks:

• genogram- A genogram is a diagram of a family tree that shows relationships between people and exposes relational dynamics in a family.  The goal of preparing and examining a genogram is to learn how family dyamics effect how we work in the world, and specifically in this case, how we do pastoral care.
• mid-unit evaluation - Last week was the mid-point of the program, so we each completed a mid-unit evaluation.  The evaluation form asked us to identify group and personal dynamics and to critique our progress to date.  My evaluation was about 8 pages and took me 6 hours to complete.  As a group, we read all of the evaluations and shared all of our impressions and perceptions.
• spiritual autobiography - This week we each wrote a short story about a moment in time when we "suffered".  We read the stories aloud in group and talked about how the event had affected us - how we made meaning out of our suffering.  We talked about what we learned from that experience and how that will help us to do pastoral care.
  

It has been a very intense three weeks.  My group is fabulous in that we are very willing to be open and authentic with each other.  We all shared very personal things and gave one another very important feedback.  I am grateful that my group helped me to understand some important areas of growth.  I feel like I learned a lot about myself, but such intense self-analysis is very emotionally tiring.  I feel like I have very little energy for much else than the group process these days.

This week we are learning about doing spiritual assessments - basically, how to ask the right questions to learn more about the patient's faith life and how it does or does not play a part in how they are dealing with their illness.  It looks very interesting, but I just don't know how I am going to learn how to do anything new in this state of emotional exhaustion.  Even with lots of energy and emotional stability, it seems like it would be difficult to learn how to ask all the right questions and listen for all the right cues in order to evaluate someone's spirituality.  But, in this state it feels next to impossible.  My supervisor encouraged me today to just give it a try.  She says that the only way to learn this stuff is to just practice.  So, practice I will.  She suggested that I try the different methods to evaluate my own spirituality as a good starting place.  It will be interesting to see where I am. 

One of my assignments for CPE is to design and lead a worship service in the chapel at the hospital. Because the patients have a wide variety of faith traditions, our instructor asked that our services be appropriate for many faith traditions. Basically, no Jesus. It was interesting for me to write a sermon that didn't include Jesus. But, I thought it was an appropriate request for the circumstances and I did my best. I think I did alright. My biggest critique from the group was that I didn't develop my idea enough. I think I was so worried about the sermon being too long, that I ended up editing myself too much and making it too short. This stuff is such great practice.

I also tried a new technique for learning the sermon. Usually, I spend a few hours the day before I deliver a sermon, saying it aloud and learning it by heart. I often make adjustments to the sermon since things that work in print don't always work very well aloud. After learning it, I find that my brain is distracted in its efforts not to forget it. I usually spend the entire night dreaming out the sermon. This time, I didn't really have time after writing the sermon last night to learn it. So, I practiced it on my walk to the train station. I got a great night's sleep last night since I wasn't up all night dreaming about the sermon, but on the other hand, it was detrimental not to have actually said it aloud before I delivered it. More good practice.

This is what I love most about CPE. I have the opportunity to practice all sorts of things in a very controlled environment. I get immediate feedback from my group and my supervisor about what is working and what is not working so well. I can take risks and know that I'll learn from the things that end up not being quite right. It really is such a great experience.

For those that are curious, following is the order of worship and the sermon:

May the God of peace and understanding be with you.
People: And also with you.

Welcome

Let us pray.
Almighty God, grant that we who gather here to worship today may be bound together in love and obedience to you, that we may be united in one body by the one Spirit, as we bring to you our hopes, dreams, anxieties and fears. Help us to cling to one another through you, remembering your mercy and love.
People: Amen

Reading: Genesis 39:1-23

Sermon

Have you ever seen a small child standing at the edge of a step? Have you seen them look down at the depth of the step with fear and trepidation, calculating in their head whether or not they can make it down without falling? And, then, suddenly, out of no where, a hand appears. Without thinking, the toddler raises a pudgy, grimy hand and grabs onto that bigger, stronger hand. She takes that step – freefalling just a little until that first foot hits the ground, then she gains her balance, lets go of the hand, and toddles forward into the world.
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In the story that we heard from Genesis today, Joseph has just been sold into slavery by his brothers and has been brought to the house of his new master. I can just imagine his face having that same look of trepidation and fear as he supposes what might happen to him next. What will this new master bring – beatings, torture, death? He calculates in his head whether he can make it through whatever might come his way. Anything could happen to him and he knows it. Will he survive this step forward?

And then, a hand appears to help him. The scripture said that “The Lord was with Joseph, and he became a successful man.”

Now, I don’t believe that Joseph became successful by sitting on his rear end and just trusting that God would do all the work for him. No. That’s not how it worked. Joseph reached for God’s hand by doing his best work. He was diligent, loyal and wise; and through his actions, he earned his master’s trust.
God worked through Pontiphar, Joseph’s master, so that Joseph would find favor in his eyes. As a result, Pontiphar extended his hand to Joseph and made him overseer of his property.

Notice that God being with Joseph does not mean that he is freed from slavery. Joseph does not get to go home to his family. In fact, if you read the next few paragraphs you will learn that Joseph’s situation gets worse when he ends up in a quarrel with Pontiphar’s wife and they throw him in jail.
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God does not always get his way. Things that happen in our lives are not always God’s will.
I don’t believe that God wanted Joseph to be sold into slavery nor do I think that God wanted Joseph to be put in jail. Sometimes we are the victims of other people’s bad choices, as in Joseph’s case. Sometimes bad things just happen. God being with us doesn’t mean that nothing bad will ever happen to us. Nor does it mean that God will rescue us from everything that goes wrong.

It does mean that God is going to reach his hand out to us. He will give us the resiliency and the strength we need to take that step. And, it means that He will provide other hands to reach out to help us, just like they did for Joseph and for the toddler.

We are all vulnerable. We all stand on the edge of the step. That step might be a medical diagnosis that is life changing. That step might be the death of a loved one. That step might be a career change. That step might even be the birth of a new baby. Whatever it is, we all stand on that step. We all have that look of fear and trepidation. We all calculate whether or not we can make it down without falling. And, if we’re paying attention, we all see the hand that reaches out to steady us. It might be the hand of a friend. It might be the hand of a nurse or a doctor or a chaplain. It might be the hand of someone that we love. Reach out and grab that hand. Let it steady you as you take that step, find your footing, and go forward in the world. And maybe, one day you will find yourself reaching your hand out to steady someone else as they take that step.

Song: Be Not Afraid

You shall cross the barren dessert, but you shall not die of thirst. You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way. You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand. You shall see the face of God and live. (Refrain)

Refrain: Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown. If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed. If you stand before the power of hell and death is at your side, know that I am with you through it all. (Refrain)

Prayers

Eternal God, we praise you for all that you are and all that you reveal of yourself to us.
(Please say aloud any qualities or characteristics of God for which you want to praise him).

Merciful God, we are sorry for the ways that we fail to be all that you have made us to be.
(If you feel comfortable, share aloud any sorrows or regrets about your week.)

Gracious God, we know that you answer our prayers.
(Please say aloud the desires of your heart – pray for anyone that is in trouble or pain.)

Generous God, we thank you for the blessings of this life.
(Please share anything for which you are thankful).

We pray for all who have died, that they may have a place in your eternal kingdom.
(Please say aloud the names of those that have died).

Lord, let your loving kindness be upon them;
People: Who put their trust in you.

Almighty and everlasting God, the giver of all good gifts: receive our supplications and prayers which we offer before you. In your mercy, grant us wisdom and peace. This we pray today.
People: Amen

Closing Acclamation: Isaiah 43: 1-3, 5

People: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; When you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. Fear not, for I am with you.

May the peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God, be among you, and remain with you forever.
People: Amen

Some friends of ours from church went on vacation with us for 3 days over the long holiday weekend.  They have a van and offered to take us out of town and we found lodging for all of us at the Phillip's house in Virginia, so we made a break from the city.

The first day we were there, we put together a grocery list of the things we would need for meals and such.  I headed to the Giant Foods to procure the groceries.  Man, was it fun being in that big ol' grocerey store.  Wide aisles that would fit more than one cart.  Meat selections as far as the eye could see.  Beer of every kind - even the Texas brand (Shiner Bock) that our friends requested.  When I got to the checkout lane, I started to unload my cart.  All of a sudden I panicked.  "Oh no!  I've gotten too much stuff.  I'll never be able to carry all of this home," I thought.  "How could I be so careless?  What was I thinking?  This will be way too heavy."  Oh. wait. duh. I'm in a van.  I can push it out in the cart, load it in the van and drive it home.  Ah.  Such a luxury. 

The weekend was loads of fun.  We shopped at Target, another luxury.  We went swimming at the country club, played in the park, watched movies, and ate yummy food.  Kevin joined us for our last day after returning from California.  It was such a nice break from the intensity of CPE.  And such a lovely reminder of all the luxuries of the suburban life.