Julie’s News from Maryland

Shortly after I started at seminary, I remember our class asking the class ahead of us about the seniors, “What’s up with them? Are they always this disconnected from everyone else? They hardly seem to even notice us.” The middlers responded, “Oh, yeah. The seniors are always checked out. That’s just how it is.” Then, last year, the new students asked my class about the seniors, “What’s up with them? They’re so aloof.” And we said, “Oh, yeah. That’s just how the seniors are. They are checked out.”

My theory was that the seniors have one foot out the door - checking out of seminary life as they prepare for their new life beyond seminary. They have the General Ordination Exams to pass in January. Jobs to find. Preparations to make for moving. The seniors have a lot on their mind, it would seem reasonable that they would be more interested in looking ahead rather than looking behind. Plus, knowing that they’ll only be here a few more months, it might be more effort than it is worth to put the energy into getting to know all the new people. All of this was speculation, of course, but it seemed logical to me.

Well, now that I am a senior, boy do I have a different perspective. First of all, I never thought that would happen to me. I really thought that I (or even ‘we’ as a class) would be different than that. We are all so outgoing and welcoming, we would never be checked out. But, not so much. As the new people have arrived in the past week or so, I have found myself reluctant to rush and introduce myself. Last year I could hardly wait to meet the new people - every time I saw someone I introduced myself and did my best to make them feel welcome. This year, I feel like I just want to get away. (So you don’t think I’m being rude to anyone, I’ll note for the record that I have introduced myself to every new person I have seen and helped more than one person find things and carry boxes). But it has taken a lot out of me to do it.

I’ve been pondering this feeling and trying to discern what it is. At first, I theorized that it had something to do with being cynical and bitter. Being in any institution for a few years leads to some amount of bitterness and disillusionment. I guessed that my reticence was really reluctance to spoil their hopefulness with my bitterness - I didn’t want to ruin their bright-eyed anticipation with my crabiness. But, that wasn’t quite right. I mean, it makes a funny joke, “Hey don’t spill your bitterness all over the new people!” but it isn’t quite accurate.

More pondering has helped me to discern what it really is and I think I have figured it out. Seminary is hard. Seminary is transformative. Classes. CPE. Field Education. Relationships. All of what we do here is designed, in both intentional and unintentional ways, to help me stretch and grow from the faithful person I was to a faithful priest. That stretching process has been incredibly painful for me - and for my family. This growth has caused division in my extended family. It has caused anxiety and fear in my nuclear family. Changing and growing has not been easy for me or for the people that love me. But the critical piece of this is that I’m only 2/3 finished. I am still in the process of transformation - I’m not finished yet. And, in some ways, I’m at my must vulnerable and broken right now. Last summer CPE started to break me open and the Middler year continued that breaking process. I have been torn to pieces. It is a good thing. I have faith and hope that this next year will bring all those pieces back together to a whole that is strong and courageous and faithful and ready to serve in whatever way God calls me to serve. But at this very moment I am broken.

It is tough to reach out to others - to be a welcoming and loving presence - from the middle of my brokenness. I think there are two layers to this. One is the obvious: my own wounds are painful and it leaves me with little energy for others and what others need. The other is subtle: I look at the new folks who are so excited and enthusiastic and I see myself and my classmates in their faces. I know that this will happen to them too - that they will find themselves in this place in a couple of years. I know what will happen to them and I know that there is no way to tell them what they’ve gotten themselves in to.

I have no idea if others are feeling this same way, but I am surprised to find myself one of those “checked out” seniors.

I hate the dentist.  Have I told you this before?  I just hate going to the dentist.  It takes everything I have just to go and get my teeth cleaned.  I really don’t like it.  It is a huge hassle for me to find a dentist that I like because it is so important for me to find a dentist with an office staff that is efficient and kind and sensitive to all my odd neurosis about going to the dentis.  After 5 or 6 years in Mountain View, and several failed attempts, I found a fabulous dentist.  She was funny and fun to be around, but took my anxieties and concerns seriously.  She and her office staff were always ready when I arrived for my appt. And, they loved my kids and always made my kids feel special and loved when they were there for their appts.

Since we’ve been in New York, I’ve been incredibly negligent about going to the dentist.  Rick took the kids once last year, but we haven’t gone again since.  I finally decided that I would just make it work and we would go.  Since I’d be taking the kids by myself, I thought it prudent to go to a dentist in the neighborhood, reducing our travel time and stress.  I looked up the local dentists that are covered by our insurance and found one just up on 23rd.  I made an appt for today at 1pm.  Perfect timing, I thought - both kids would have time to play outside a bit during the morning, then have some lunch, then go to our appt.   I even converted one of their favorite DVDs to an iPhone compatible movie so that they could watch the movie in the iPhone while we were there.

Things seemed to go according to plan this morning. We had a nice morning together and a good lunch.  We walked calmly, without any need to rush, to the dentist.  And, being the concientious patient that I am, I arrived 15 minutes early to complete all the paperwork necessary for 3 new patients.  All the paperwork was done by 1pm, the kids sat quietly next to me to watch a movie while we waited, but a 1/2 hour later we were still waiting.  The kids started to get restless and wiggly, so one of the office employees offered some paper and markers for drawing.  Naturally, there was some disagreement about the markers and who would get which marker and that was the beginning of the end.  By 2pm Ella was in full hysterical melt-down mode.  I took her outside and mostly calmed her down. 

At 2:15, they finally called us back to begin our x-rays.  I went first, so the kids sat outside of the room with the iPhone to watch a movie while they waited.  Moments later Nicholas was yelling that Ella was holding the iPhone so that he couldnt’ see the movie.  Then she yelled because he snatched it from her.  Ok, I can’t have them manhandling a $500 computer without any supervision, so I went out and took it away while trying to mediate the argument.  Ella starting crying hysterically and then it dawned on me.  It was time to go.  We were done.  There was no recovering from this.  There was no way that I’d get through my x-rays without them fighting all the way through it.  Ella was too hysterical to relax enough to have x-rays and her teeth cleaned.  It was only going to get worse.  I’ve finally learned when to cut my losses and go before it gets really bad.  Plus, I really wasn’t all that interested in giving my insurance company’s money to a dentist that made me wait for 1 1/2 with 2 little kids.

So, I said to the woman, “It looks like we’re going to have to go.  I came an hour and a half ago with two kids that were fed and in good moods ready to have their teeth cleaned.  But, after waiting all this time, they are past being ready.  It’s too bad you weren’t ready for us at the time of our appt.”  She looked a little shocked.  The children both started to cry because they wanted to stay (thank God I’ve learned that even if they want to stay it doesn’t mean that they are going to be able to improve their behavior enough to make it worth staying - I’ve gotten caught in that trap before).  So, we left. 

And, now I have to start over.  Anyone know a good dentist? 

Before school ended, I was offered a contract job for the summer. I would have started working the week after finals and worked at least through the end of July.  The job was 40-50 hours a week and I would be building content for a web site for a product that I know nothing about - which translates to a very steep learning curve and lots of stress.  As much as we needed the money, I knew that I just couldn’t do it.  I knew that I didn’t have the creative energy, the brain power, or the focus to take on such a big project right at the end of the semester.  But, most of all, I knew that my family needed my attention. They needed me to focus on them and not be distracted by other things.  So, I turned the job down and took the summer off.  And, you know what, it was so so so the right decision.  

While the kids were still in school in June, I did projects around the house and finished a video project for one of my classes.  I also picked up the kids every day, made dinner almost every night, and was just a mom.  In July, I took the entire month off.  I didn’t do any project work for anything, I just hung out with the kids.  Rick is working 4-5 hours a day now, so the kids and I spent a ton of time together.  We went to museums and parks.  We played games at home.  We spent lazy, rainy days watching movies at home and eating popcorn.  It has been such a great summer.  I can feel that the stress level at home has dropped significantly.

I also experienced something really new and interesting for me.  Up to this point, staying home with the kids has always made me crazy.  More than 2 or 3 whole days at home alone with them usually makes me climb the walls - the constant chores necessary to keep 2 small children alive was more than I could take.  But, now they are at ages where I find them really fun and interesting.  They are both big enough now that they no longer need me to constantly care for them.  They require a new level of emotional attention but that is easy for me.  I’ve had the best time with them and they crack me up constantly.  When I accidently bumped my head the other day and said aloud how much it hurt, Nicholas said to me, “Welcome to my world, Mom.”  It was so hilarious I thought I was going to split my side laughing. 

As the school year is approaching and I know that I will go back to being the secondary care giver, I have found myself sad about that.  This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever thought I might enjoy being a full-time parent.  I am afraid that this summer will be unique for us, the only time in my kids’ life that I will get to be so present to them for such a long time.  I feel incredibly fortunate to have had this time with them and I know that we have bonded in an important way.  

Last Sunday I got a real treat. The revdrmom was in town and she sent email to me and another student here at General that blogs and invited us to get together to chat. I’ve been reading her blog for some time now and enjoying her musings on life, family, and the priesthood. She is a graduate of General, so often speaks of her time and experiences here. The revdrmom blogs anonymously, so it feels sort of sneaky and fun to know who she is and be in on the secret! Best of all, we had a great conversation and ended up sitting on the lawn in front of the chapel for 4 hours just chatting away.

It was a dark and stormy night…actually, it is a dark and stormy night.  It has been super hot here the past few days, in the low 90s, but not too terribly humid.  But all of a sudden tonight we heard loud thunder and saw bright lights from lightning.  Usually it seems to storm here when it has been humid, but this one just came on tonight.  I love when it rains here in the summer, it cleans up the city and gets rid of the nasty smells that grow so pungent in the heat.

It’s been a busy week for the Nelson family.  I started an internship late last week and worked Friday, Saturday, and Monday through Wednesday (I hope to write more about that when I’m less tired).  At the same time, we had some unexpected visitors - friends from Montana that found their flight cancelled and a few extra days in New York that we were so grateful to get to spend with them.  Just after they left, some other friends came for the week.  The kids have had the best time playing with their kids and we’ve enjoyed chatting and catching up with the grown ups.  We’ve trekked around the city a bit - the Natural History Museum yesterday and Ellis Island today.  Always fun to do a few of the tourist things.  This is a great city.