Julie's News from Maryland

I had a mammogram today.  It is a follow-up mammogram from a mammogram and ultrasound that I had 18 months ago.  At that time, I had found a pretty big lump in my left breast and so they took lots of images and even some tissue samples to check it.  It turned out to be a benign lump of who-knows-what and the doctor decided to leave it alone and just watch it.  So, I had pictures taken of it today to check to see if it has changed or grown at all.

Even though I know it is totally ok, even though I am not really worried about it, there is still something sort of anxiety producing about having a mammogram.  I spent the 2 hours in the waiting room today trying to figure out why that is.  I am not anxious when I get a regular checkup at the doctor.  But somehow the mammogram feels like it has a connection to my mortality - the results of a test like this really could change my life.  And even though I know that is totally ok and there is probably nothing wrong, the possibility still exists.

And, of course, the test is just barbaric.  I mean, seriously.  They smash the boobs into the teeniest little state.  The woman said to me, "Ok. Don't move."  And I thought to myself, "Are you kidding me?!  This hurts so bad I can barely breathe, how could I move.  And why would I want to move - that could only make it hurt more!"  But, it is only a few seconds of unbearable pain and if that means that I am taking good care of myself then I'm good with that. 

When I was in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago, my former boss and I were talking about all the cool, fun videos we made "way back when" at Sun. You see, he had this brilliant idea 5 or 6 years ago (waaaaay before YouTube) that video was going to be the next big thing on the web. So we bought a camera and some editing software and we started to make short films about technology to put on Sun's web site. We assumed that those old films had been taken down long ago, but a quick Google search proved that the Xtreme Tech Show is alive and well on a sun.com server somewhere in the world. For a good laugh, watch one of the shows in which I was an anchor or an interviewer - Project Looking Glass or the Desktop Computing Interview. Actually, after watching them, I think we did pretty well for beginners.

And, if you are really really bored or just totally procrastinating, you can watch some of the new short films on the VMworld web site. I made 30 short films during my week in San Francisco, and 6 of them have been posted so far on this site. Just scroll down, you'll see them on the bottom of the page.

Fun with films!

 On Sunday evening at seminary, we have a very informal service.  The founders of the service were intentional about making it a "family friendly" service.  We sing with guitars or the piano and the songs tend to be simple and easier for children to sing.  We ask children to serve as readers, torch bearers, acolytes, musicians, etc.  We move around a bit during the service - at the prayers of the people and then on to the altar for the Eucharistic Prayer so the kids get a good view of the action.

This has become the primary worship service for my family.  After many attempts, we've just realized that there isn't any where that my kids feel comfortable worshipping in Manhattan.  We have found several places that work reasonably well, but some are hard to get to, others are at difficult times, and various other complications.  So, this has become our service and I am glad for it.

My kids have really gotten comfortable in this space and respect it very much during this service.  They dance in the aisles when it is appropriate, but also sit quietly and listen when it is time to do that. Two weeks ago our chaplain invited Nicholas to stand right next to her at the altar while she said the Eucharistic prayers.  I held my breath, wondering if Nicholas could stand quietly and appropriately.  And he did.  It was really amazing to see.  He watched her every move and didn't hardly move a muscle while he stood there.  It was miraculous.  And Nicholas was so thrilled; he said to me, "Mommy, I could see everything from there!"  You know, kids just want to be able to see what is happening.

Tonight, when Ella arrived, she saw two of the other girls ready to acolyte in their albs.  Naturally, she wanted to do that as well, so our youth coordinator sent her back for an alb.  Another student and I got her all buttoned up and the sleeves rolled up for her and out she went.  She's too little to carry a torch, so she just walked with them, very seriously.  She sat with them through the service, very quietly and still and even helped receive the gifts from the offertory.  It was wonderful and she was very excited about it.

On Tuesday I was scheduled to be the crucifer (no, not Lucifer! the crucifer - literally, the cross bearer) at the Tuesday night 6pm Eucharist Service. While the Seminary calls that the "Community Service", I rarely attend because it is at 6pm on a Tuesday which is a nearly impossible time for children (dinner, homework, bath, bedtime). But also because, even if the time did work, it is a nearly impossible service for my children, particularly Nicholas. While Ella loves the ritual of formal worship (hymns, processions, etc.) it is intolerable for Nicholas and he complains the entire time. And, while Ella likes it, she has a hard time sitting still and being quiet for as long as that service requires, so we just don't go.

But, I was scheduled to serve and felt like I should make an attempt to do, as my friend put it, what the seminary has asked of me. I went to chapel early, dressed in appropriate attire (black shoes and all), so that I could learn my part (carrying a cross and holding the altar book for the deacon aren't as easy you might think). The sacristans were delightful and helpful, showing the acolytes and me what we would need to do at various times. It was one of the most inviting and hospitable atmospheres I've encountered in the chapel since I got here. And, as a result of their great kindness and good instruction, I performed flawlessly, well within all the rules and boundaries necessary for the chapel.

However, I still found myself crying through the middle part of the service - mostly the Eucharistic prayer. As we sang the offeratory hymn - yet another completely un-singable hymn - I just felt so left out. I finally gave up even trying to sing the song and just watched as everyone else did. Then I got to thinking about how much of an outsider I feel in that chapel and how it is still so hard for me to assimilate to the worship style there. Then I remembered that Ella had wanted to come to chapel that night. When she learned that I was going she begged me to let her come. I knew I couldn't care for her while I was on the altar and Rick can't bring her because Nicholas has such a hard time. There was no guarantee that I'd be able to find someone that would be willing to give up their worship experience to manage her during the service and since I was serving I didn't have the bandwidth to take the time to find someone anyway. So, I turned her down and it made her cry. I hate that I can't just bring her along and have it work out. Not that this is the place for that, but still, it makes me sad to deny my daughter an opportunity to worship, especially when she wants to come.

When I first came to seminary I used to cry in that chapel because of the despair I felt - I felt like the chapel was so depressing and the worship so lifeless.  I lived in fear that we were forming leaders that would go out in to the world and lead lifeless, dull worship with un-singable hymns and that it would eventually drive the Episcopal church into the ground.  Then I cried in the chapel because of the oppressive culture - the snippy and rude sacristans that demoralized the new students who were doing their best to conform to the norms of chapel as they learned to acolyte.  Now I cry, I think, because even when I do everything I can to fit in, even when I am intentional about serving the chapel honorably, I still feel left out.

And to the credit of our gracious chief sacristan, he noticed my sadness and inquired about it gently after the service.  I wasn't ready to talk about it then, and I'm still not sure I am.  My brain is still rolling it around trying to decipher all of the emotions that happened in that moment on the altar. 

Have you seen this image?  She shows up occasionally in advertisements on the web for some sort of mortgage company or something.  There she is, next to a big banner that invites the reader to click on the link to refinance their house or something like that.  When she pops up on the screen, either within my browser window or in a pop up ad, I am always taken aback just a little bit.  Something is wrong with the way she is put together, don't you think?  The angle of her head, against the angle of her torso, plus where she is holding her arms - it is all so odd.  I've never seen anyone stand that way, or even move through that body position on their way to another position.  It is so strange.  Everytime I see it I wonder what possessed the graphic artist to choose this particular photo for the ad.  Was it the only one they had?  Was she making a funny face in every other picture they took of her, except this one?  Or, did they do it on purpose?  Did they pick this photo with her body in such a strange contortion so that it would catch my attention and force me to look at it?  Unfortunately, I'm always so distracted by the strange and broken posture of the woman in the picture that I never manage to figure out what the advertisement is about.

I spent the last few days at Moscone Center in San Francisco working at the VMWorld 2007 conference. I was hired to bring my camera and film conference attendees in the VMWare Communities booth. It's been a long time since I've worked a conference in Moscone - at least 2 years, since we moved - but, it's like riding a bicycle. It all came back. The smiling. The shmoozing. The chatting with people and inviting them into the booth to hear about the products. The staff joking and goofing off when the booth is emtpy and we're bored.

The conference was so fun - and so much like so many other conferences I've attended and worked. All the different technology companies were there - some familiar (IBM, Intel, BEA, Sun, etc.) and some new ones (Have you heard of the new Linux, Ubuntu? It looks so cool. It's a couple years old, but, of course, I haven't been around to hear about it.) All the people milling about, talking about all the new technology and the fun things they are doing in their datacenters. The give-aways - I think at least 10 of the booths were giving away Wii gaming systems and another 10 gave away iPhones. I even saw a couple of drawings for plasma TVs. I entered as many drawings as I could, but I didn't win anything. Still, the excitement and buzz at a conference in Moscone is so so so FUN!

And, as always, San Franciso is the most beautiful city in the world. The company hosted a huge party for all 10,000 conference participants on Treasure Island. The view of downtown San Francisco from the island and the Bay Bridge was absolutely breathtaking. I also got a chance to walk around downtown near where I used to work. I saw lots of familiar places and lots of new things. I realized at some point that I was walking about 5 times faster than everyone else - oh yeah, I walk at the pace of a New Yorker these days, not a San Franciscan.

I spent the last couple of days in town working in the VMWare offices with the marketing team that hired me. I edited most of the film that I took and prepared the movie files for their web site. It was so fun to hang out with team members and work collaboratively to build something innovative and fun. We joked about the conference and about the attendees. We talked about the party and the band (SmashMouth). In the midst of it I realized how much I miss that. And how much I miss being in the technology world.

I know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that I'm following God's call and fulfilling God's purpose for my life. But today, I am really missing being here, in the Bay Area, doing what I know and love with technology minded people. sigh.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu was on campus today for The Big Event.  The seminary has been planning The Big Event for years, since waaay before I got here.  In fact, The Big Event has taken precedence over most things around here lately.  The attention of most folks has been focused on making The Big Event a success.  There has been much planning, scrambling, anxiety, excitement and anticipation in advance of The Big Event.  And today it happened.  And Archbishop Tutu was here.

I must admit, it is pretty exciting for me to see him.  I don't get too excited over celebrities, but he is one that always makes me feel like I am in the presence of greatness.  I left The Big Event a little early to take Nicholas home as he hasn't been feeling well today. When Rick and Ella came back from The Big Event I learned that the Archbishop had stopped and given Ella a blessing as he walked past her.  Apparently he put his hand on her shoulder and gave her a blessing.  She said she "threw it back to him" and then he threw it back to her.  It made me cry to think that my beautiful little girl had such a lovely exchange with the Archbishop.  And she really has no idea how amazing or special that encounter was.

When I was putting her to bed tonight I mentioned again how nice it was that the bishop had given her a blessing.  She said, "I'll put it in my heart," and she reached up to her shoulder where he had touched her, she grabbed something imaginary, and then she touched her heart.  

Apple just rocks.  They just do.  First of all, the iPhone is fantastic.  Even better than it looks on TV.  It does all the things they said it would do and more.  I haven't experienced any significant bugs.  I continue to be so impressed with it all the time.  It just works and it works well.

But, there is another reason that Apple rocks this week.  Last Saturday, I dropped my iPhone when I was at my brother's house.  When I picked it up, I discovered that I'd cracked the glass and the display was watery under the crack.  I started to sob.  I think I cried hysterically for about a half an hour (in retrospect the cry was so clearly not about the phone and so clearly just about the stress of the new school year).  When I calmed down and stopped crying, I grabbed my brother's laptop and logged onto apple.com.  I made an appt to see a Genius at the Apple Store on 5th Ave a few hours later.  When it was my turn, I told the Genius that I'd dropped the phone and it was cracked.  He said, "No problem. We can fix that.  We'll send it in and they will mail it back to you in a week.  Oh, and for $29 you can have a loaner phone."  I couldn't believe it.  They fixed it for free.  And it had been my fault.  Well, it was an accident, but still, I'm the one that dropped it.  I brought the loaner home and it restored itself from the backup on my machine - all the photos, the settings, everything.  All there.  Just like that.  

Particularly amazing was how fast they returned my phone.  I gave them the broken phone on Saturday at 7pm.  (Remember, it was a holiday weekend, so no mail on Monday).  My phone arrived on Thursday, accompanied by a note explaining that the phone couldn't be fixed so they sent me a new one.   Unbelievable.

Great products.  Great service.  Fantastic.  Apple rocks. 

Tomorrow is the first day of school.  Nicholas starts 2nd grade.  Ella starts kindergarten.  And I start my senior year of seminary.  Such a big day for all of us.

A couple of weeks ago I was starting to get excited about my final year here, even a bit nostalgic.  I was looking forward to a number of new things that would be happening this year: eating in the refectory as a community, the opening of the new education center, the new life and positive energy that the new students would bring (even if I was reluctant to meet them, I was looking forward to the new energy that a new class brings) - but everything has started to go to hell in the last couple of weeks and now I am just dreading it.  In fact, I've been so crabby and unhappy about everything happening here that I couldn't even blog - you know, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

It all started when we got an email announcing that the meal plan would only be lunches again this semester.  Instead of offering dinners in the evening that would allow my family (for the first time since we got here) to eat with the community and other family members, once again we would only be having lunch.  Then, a few days after that we got an email that we wouldn't be eating in the refectory for a few weeks, but instead we'd be eating in the basement room where3 we've been eating for 2 years.  That was followed by a final email announcing that we still don't have permission to cook in the refectory kitchen and it might be a few months.  It was just such a disappointment.  All this time I've been willing to be patient and give people a bit of room for the construction project.  It was lousy to eat fatty, overpriced catered food (seriously $11 for hamburgers and tater tots at least once a week!), but it was necessary to take a short term hit for the long-term vision of the seminary.  But now, I'm just disappointed and crabby about it.  The meal plan has gone from $800 a semester to $1200 a semester. That's $15 a lunch, folks.  Oh, and for me it is more like $25 per lunch since I am only on campus for lunch 3 days a week.   $25 for cold cuts, hamburgers, and greasy chicken.  In the basement.  Argh.  As you can imagine, much grumbling and unhappiness has ensued.

Then, the new students started moving onto campus and that has turned into a disaster for so many people. Apartments weren't ready.  Some folks had to live in dorm rooms without their belongings for weeks while they waited for newly renovated  apartments to be certified for occupancy.  Then, a whole set of those belongings got doused with water when the sprinklers malfunctioned.  I can't tell you how many people I've apologized to as I've listened to their moving stories.

The stress on campus is now unbelievable.  The continuuing students are frustrated and disappointed with the meal plan.  The new students are stressed and trying to come down from the chaos known as moving into seminary.  And, the administration is as tense because the construction on the new buildings isn't finished and the opening ceremony is in 6 days.  The tension is palpable.  It is rare for me to have a conversation with someone that doesn't include some discussion of the injustice, disappointment, anxiety, stress, or tension that people are feeling as a result of recent events.

We went away last weekend and it was so good to get some perspective.  I was reminded while I was away that no one else in the world or the church is really all that concerned with the damn meal plan at seminary, or the moving frustrations, or the opening of the education center.  Life is going on out there.  Cool, innovative things are happening in churches and in industry.  People are meeting Jesus and their lives are being transformed. Faithful communities are coming together to worship and to care for one another and others.  While seminary life is important, especially to those of us living here, it isn't the be all end all.  It is just here.  Just like any institution - all schools, all colleges, etc. - have some level of this.  It is easy to get caught up in the things that are happening here and forget that there is a whole world out there that is so much bigger than just this.  Life is going on out there and I can't wait to get back to it.