Julie’s News from Maryland

One of the ordination requirements in my diocese is that I “attain liturgical proficiency in a second language that is appropriate to the worship needs of the Diocese.”  Originally, I thought that I was going to need to take a Spanish class or complete a Spanish immersion program to have some minor proficiency in Spanish.  I took two years of Spanish in high school and I grew up California (where every street name and most of the city names are Spanish), so I have a decent understanding of the fundamentals, but I can’t speak or understand Spanish at all. 

As it turns out, to fulfill the requirement I merely have to be able to read the service aloud from the Spanish prayer book.  That’s it.  No classes.  No ability to converse in Spanish. I simply have to be able to read it aloud.

As part of my practice to fulfill this requirement, I’ve attended the Spanish service that happens in the seminary chapel on Saturdays at noon.  We have a Spanish language seminary program that meets on Saturday and they worship together at noon.  It is a small group, usually the celebrant, a deacon, a musician and three or four other people.  It is quite an interesting experience.

While I am able to follow along very well in the prayer book, I get a little tripped up when we go off the regular course. For example, the reader announced the form that we would follow for the Prayers of the People, but I didn’t understand what he said, so I didn’t know.  Also, when the musician announces a song or a Psalm to be sung from the music book, I don’t know what page he has announced.  And, when the celebrant began reading Eucharistic Prayer D, I was totally lost.  I knew I wasn’t finding the words on the page that I was reading, but I had no idea where to go from there.  Fortunately, my friend Jose stands next to me and directs me to the correct page.

It is very interesting, however, to not be able to understand much of what is being said.  I know the prayer book pretty well and I can read Spanish well enough to know what is happening in the service, but I don’t at all know what the readings are.  I get little bits and pieces, but often not enough to know what passage has been read.  And forget the sermon.  I never know what is being said there.

I’m grateful that this community has allowed me to participate in their worship.  I feel a bit as if I am polluting the waters a bit in my efforts to sing and respond in what must just sound like a butchering of the language.  I feel like I’ve also gained a bit of perspective about what it is like for the hispanic members of my diocese when they attend worship in English.  While we attempt to make our worship services bilingual at diocesan events, they always end up being mostly in English, with only a token reading and prayer being said in Spanish.

Well, I got two rejection letters in Holy Week.  Who on earth has time to write and send rejection letters during Holy Week?!  I guess the people in these two churches have time.  So, those are off the table.  I’ve also had a couple of leads sort of evaporate - either as unsubstantiated rumors or as things that didn’t turn out to be the right fit.  And, of course, I continue to bump into jobs that aren’t quite real because there isn’t quite enough money.

I have several more good leads and need to send resumes in the next few days.  I have to admit, I find it very hard to motivate myself to send resumes and letters.  I’ve had these staring at me for a week and I’ve just kept ignorning them.  I’m not sure why that keeps happening.  Once I get started I tend to get excited about it and do it with ease, but getting started is the hardest part.  I suppose that has something to do with the vulnerability that goes along with putting myself out there and opening myself to the possibility of rejection.  It is never easy to read that I am not what somebody wants as an associate in their parish.

So, I continue to search.  We continue to invest ourselves in each new application and create our imaginary life for each possible place.  And we do our best not to be too disappointed about the ones that don’t work out.  It is a little mini roller coaster that we continue to ride in our house. 

As for solid good news - it would seem that I am definitely going to graduate on May 14.  As far as I can tell, there are no barriers to that.  And, if I get all my paperwork finished and meet all the last little requirements in the diocese, I’ll be ordained to the transitional diaconate on June 21.  I’ve decided that in the midst of all the uncertainly and little disappointments that it is going to be important for me to be intentional about celebrating the concrete and definite positive events that are in the near future (and really near future at that!).

Here’s a little movie of us coloring eggs today:

So, if you remember, I bought an alb. It was a big deal for me since I’m not really the vestment wearing type, but it seemed like I should at least have an alb so I bought one. The collar was too small, so the sales rep from Wippell sent it back to England to have the collar adjusted for me. That was in late September. I waited and waited, but my alb never came. Just as I was beginning to wonder what happened to it, I got a phone call about where it was.

When I got this phone call, I was in Florida sitting about 10 feet from the beach drinking a cocktail and having lunch with new friends at a stewardship conference. Needless to say, I was in a pretty good mood. The Wippell sales rep explained that they had indeed fixed the collar on my alb, but that somewhere between packing and shipping they had lost it. Apparently they had spent weeks searching for it, but they just couldn’t find it. Sigh. In any case, Wippell was willing to make me an entirely new alb, based on my measurements, for just $30 more. Since I’d gotten such a great deal on the alb, and I was in such a great mood with my cocktail by the ocean, I said, “Sure.”

Weeks passed and during our winter break in January my new alb arrived. I was so excited. I tore open the packaging, pulled it out, put it on and discovered that it was all wrong. It was about 2 inches too short, the sleeves were also too short, it was too tight around my shoulders, and it didn’t seem to hang straight. It was just a mess from head-to-toe. I immediately called the student who is our representative to Wippell and showed the fit to him and he was as disappointed as I was. When the Wippell sales rep returned at the beginning of the semester we showed it to him and he was annoyed that they had made such a mess of the new one. He retook my measurements and said that a new alb would come soon.

The new alb came last week. For the most part, it is really wonderful. The length is just right. It fits around me perfectly. Unfortunately, however, the sleeves are so long that they go past my knuckles. Basically, they are about 2 inches too long. I looked at the sleeve, hoping it would be an easy alteration - like pants where you just change the hem. But, no. The sleeves have a pretty elaborate cuff that requires removing the cuff, cutting the fabric underneath, then putting the cuff back in place. Oy.

As you can imagine, I’m reluctant to send the alb back to England - that hasn’t really worked out for me too well. I suppose that I’ll just have the cuffs altered here and hope that maybe Wippell will be willing to pay for at least a portion of the alteration. I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t make my decision too hastily, just because it was on sale. Either that, or the vestments just hate me. You know how copy machines and printers can tell when you are stressed and give you the proportional amount of trouble as related to your stress? Well, I have a feeling the vestments can tell that I don’t like them and are giving me the proportional amount of trouble in return.

Still, including the extra I paid to have the collar fixed and the bit more I paid after they lost it, I’ve still gotten quite a deal on an alb from Wippell. It really is a nice alb and the fabric is wonderful. I ironed it last night, then threw it over my arm this morning, draped it sloppily over the cab seat on my way to church this morning and it still looked pressed and nice for church. You can’t go wrong with that.

I got to preach at my field ed parish on Thursday again. This time I got 4 days notice. And it was a good thing I did have so much notice. This was a tough text and took a bit of research. Even with the research I was still having a hard time. I bounced around some ideas with a few friends and that helped quite a bit.

The texts are Genesis 17:1-8 and John 8:51-59.

Here’s the sermon, as I wrote it. I think I strayed a bit from this but I don’t remember what I said, so I’m going to give you what I wrote:

Our identity - how we think of ourselves - is an important thing. How we identify ourselves to other people – and to our self - matters. Stop for a moment to think of some of the ways that you identify yourself. What do you tell others about yourself?

Do you think of the place you hold in your family? A father? A sister? Do you think of yourself as part of a particular political party? Do you think of yourself as part of particular religious group? Or ethnicity?

In the reading today from Genesis we hear God make a promise to Abraham. This is the second time that God makes this promise to Abraham. God promises to bless Abraham and make a great nation of his descendants. God promises to make them a great nation and God also promises that God will be their God. God promises to be faithful to this nation - they will be God’s people and God will be their God. This is the beginning of the Israelite nation - these are the people that will later be called the Jews. A nation chosen to be in special relationship with God.

Ok. Now we’re going to fast forward to the gospel of John. Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, whoever keeps my word will never see death.”

And the people, basically, say “What are you talking about? Who are you? We are people of Abraham, but who are you? Are you better than Abraham?” The people were identifying themselves as people of Abraham – the guy that started it all. And they ask Jesus, “Are you better than Abraham?”

And Jesus replies - “..before Abraham was, I am.” “I am” Jesus is identifying himself as being at one with God - being in existence before Abraham.

Jesus is reminding the people that Abraham didn’t start this whole thing - God started this whole thing. The people aren’t merely descendants of Abraham, but they are God’s people. God is their God. Their identity is rooted in God, not in Abraham.

They have forgotten that they are God’s people - chosen to be in relationship with God. They are so concerned with being the people of Abraham that they are no longer mindful of being the people of God.

I think we occasionally fall into that same place ourselves. I know that when I think of my identity I don’t immediately think of myself as a person of God. I think of being a mother and a wife, a seminarian, a film maker. It’s not my first instinct to think of myself as a child of God - made in the image of God - God’s chosen one; called to be in relationship with God. Yet, this gospel reminds us that we all are. We are all children of God, chosen by God.

Dang. I’ve just not been able to motivate myself to blog lately. It’s not that I haven’t had anything interesting happen, I just have sort of felt, well, blah. I think the lack of any real job prospects at this moment and my friend’s brain surgery today are both so overwhelming that I am grateful to be just blah and not a total wreck. And, maybe that’s why I haven’t been blogging much. I really don’t want my blog to turn into a giant whine-fest, and I think my current state could easily lend itself to that sort of thing.

On the upside, I have a new lead on a job that I’m beginning to pursue. This job search is a strange roller coaster ride. With each potential job we begin to imagine the life that we would lead if we lived in that particular place. We look at houses. We think about the geography and the landscape and the sorts of activities that we might do there. We consider contacts and friends that we have in that vicinity. Rick looks at the local golf courses and the high school football program (he is an official). We create a picture of how we might live. Then, as each one falls away for one reason or another, we have to let go of the image that we created of our life. Some of them are easier to let go than others. And so we go forward, creating dreams and letting go of them, one job at a time.

I got to preach last Thursday at my field placement. Unlike last time, I got tons of advance notice this time - a whole 90 minutes.

The readings: Exodus 32: 7-14 and John 5:30-47.

I preached something like the following - though I improvised a bit here and there so this is mostly it:

Have you ever gotten bored and distracted such that you missed what was happening right in front of you?

This happens to me sometimes on the subway. I get bored and start daydreaming. All of a sudden I look up and I realize that the doors have just closed at my stop and I’ve missed it. Or, when I’m in a long meeting, and people are blabbing away, I look out the window. Soon I’m completely engrossed in what is happening between the cab driver and the fed ex driver when suddenly someone asks me a question. Naturally, I have no idea what they are talking about because I haven’t been paying attention.

When I read today’s readings, I noticed that the people were experiencing the same sorts of distractions.

In the Old Testament reading, the Hebrew people are in the desert having just come out of slavery in Egypt. They’ve been through the parted Red Sea and they are now setting up camp. Moses has gone up the mountain to talk to God and he’s been gone quite a long time. Eventually, the people get bored. In their boredom, they have the brilliant idea to entertain themselves by building some gods out of gold. And so they get started. God notices and tells Moses to go down the mountain and get their attention. They are so busy entertaining themselves that they have completely forgotten all that God is doing in their midst.

In the gospel reading from John, Jesus says to the people that they search the scriptures because you think that you’ll find eternal life in them, yet you refuse to come to me to have life. The people have gotten distracted by the scriptures - they are so busy looking into their past that they can’t see what God is doing in the moment - they fail to see Jesus and be in relationship with him.

Our world is full of distractions - especially in New York City. There is always something happening around us. And even when we don’t take advantage of the external distractions, our minds easily wander to distract us with daydreams.

I think Lent is an amazing opportunity for us to stop and recognizing what is distracting us. What is keeping us from seeing God at work in our midst - right here and right now? Are we bored and looking for something to entertain us? Are we too busy dwelling on the past - either good times or bad times? Are we focused on the future and what will come next?

But Jesus says to us, here and now, today, “Come to me to have life. Let go of your distractions and find life in me.”

I’m back from my week in France.  I spent a week at the VMworld Europe conference.  I’ve decided that the tech geeks in Europe are just like the tech geeks in Silicon Valley, only slightly better dressed.  As always, I had a ball working with the gang on various projects and producing cool movies and interacting with the technology world.  It is always fun for me to build a product and see it get launched.

Plus, I got to be in Cannes!  The conference was held in the same big convention center where the film festival is held.  As I wandered around I thought about all the stars and the press that go there every year for the film festival.  It was sort of cool.  The town is clearly set up as a vacation place for the rich and famous.  The convention center is right on the beach.  From there, you can walk all along the sidewalk, just above the beach.  Across the street are all the beautiful hotels and the fancy stores (Dior, Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton).  All the stores and shops that stretched beyond the main street were of the same high quality and full of all the beautiful people.

In many ways, it reminded me of Santa Barbara.  The street was lined with palm trees, just like the street along the beach in Santa Barbara.  The beach was a big half moon shape, just like SB.  The hills and the vegetation growing around was the same as California.  It was a little strange - like I had flown 5000 miles just to be at home.  But, it was a great reminder that the world is just the world.  We are all on planet earth and things really aren’t all that exotic just because they are somewhere else.  Though, I must admit, the food was so amazing.  Every piece of bread that someone served me was better than the last.  Even the “ham and cheese sandwich” that they served on the plane from Paris to Nice was made with the most amazing prosciutto, cheese, and butter on the freshest bread I’ve ever had.  And that was just the stupid snack on the short plane flight. Yum!

I’ve come home feeling a bit invigorated about my job search.  I had a tough time getting back into it this morning, but once I started reading job descriptions and sending resumes, I felt energized.  I have a couple of preliminary interviews this week and have gotten indications that more of those will happen in the near future.  I’m feeling confident again that all will be well.  I still hate not knowing how it will work out, but I know it will.