Julie’s News from Maryland

From GenderAnalyzer.com:

We have strong indicators that http://julienelson.blog.com is written by a man (99%).

Hmmm…wonder what that says about me?  Am I too manly?

I’ve always been good at task management.  I am nothing if not a good task administrator.  I’ve even been pretty good at delegating as a task manager - finding the right people on my team and assigning the work accordingly.  In fact, sometimes I think I’m better at managing other people doing the work than I am at actually doing the work myself. 

However, none of this is true in my personal life.  I’m a “do-it-myself” kind of gal.  And I’m not really sure why.  Maybe I’ve really bought into the culture’s myth that I have to do it myself. Relying on others is a sign of weakness, so if I can’t do it all myself I must be week.  Maybe it is a deep sense of responsibility that I’ve picked up along the way - the notion that I have to be responsible for myself and I can’t burden others with my trouble.   Whatever it is and wherever it came from, it is there.  I can and will do it myself, all by myself.

But, as it turns out, that can’t always be true.  As of late, I’ve found myself overwhelmed with the number of things that need to get done. Some are small things (like signing Ella up for gymnastic lessons) and some are big things (like hiring a babysitter or finding a new place for us to live when our lease ends in May).  I’ve been looking at this huge pile of crap that needs to be done and just don’t even know where to start with it, so I haven’t done anything.  Unfortunately, though, stuff needs to get done.  And I finally figured out that what I need to do is to delegate.  A million people have offered to help me and I finally decided that I should avail myself of that help.

Last week I started asking for help, specific help.  So far, things are working out well.  With the help of others: I have found a house for us to rent (4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bath, a pool, and less than a mile from work!), I know where to find gymnastics classes for Ella, I have someone looking for a summer overnight camp for Nicholas, Ella had playdates for spring break, Nicholas has someone to care for him during his spring break, and my taxes are done.  Whew.  Some of the big things and some of the small things are handled.  There are plenty of other things to do, but having all of those tasks completed or in progress has taken such a huge load of stress off of me.

I don’t know why it was so hard for me to ask for help.  Maybe because it didn’t really occur to me that those were all things that others could help me do.  In any case, it has made such a huge difference for me not to be worrying about so much all by myself.

On a completely different topic, while I haven’t been blogging here much, I have been blogging at my church blog - just a few musings about Lent and some of the readings that we’ll encounter at the Easter Vigil.

I was sitting on the couch today watching Oprah with Ella.  We were watching the Queen of England and her staff prepare for a fancy dinner in one of her castles.  Someone mentioned something about how important the queen is. 

Ella said, “I’m the most important person in the world.  Because I’m me.”

Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about any self-esteem issues with that one!

This afternoon while I was sitting at my desk looking at the readings for next week’s sermon, the intercom rang.  I answered the line and it was a call from one of the office staff.  She informed me that on line 1 was a man who was calling to ask where our church stood on the Gene Robinson issue.  She mentioned that he is not a parishioner, but someone from the neighborhood, so if I didn’t want to take his call she would tell him that I wasn’t available.  I decided that I was now too deeply curious to let this call slip away, so I took it.

The man introduced himself and told me that he wasn’t a parishioner but that he lived in the neighborhood and wanted to know where our church stood on the ordination of Gene Robinson as bishop.  I asked him what he knew about the issue and he informed me that he had followed it a bit in the news and that he had recently met Bishop Robinson at a local event. 

Having no idea what this call was about or whether I was about to get lambasted for having the ‘wrong’ answer, I tried to be reasonably vague, but still honest.  I responded that, in general, our congregation was very open and welcoming to our gay and lesbian neighbors and that most of the parish supported Bishop Robinson’s consecration.  I added, rather quickly, that if we were to ask each person in the parish that we would probably find a wide range of opinions, from those that are very troubled to those that are thrilled that Gene was elected bishop, but that as a general rule, most people in this congregation are supportive and positive about Gene.

He then went on to tell me the reason that he was calling.  You see, he is retired, has been for some years, and lately has been working at Circuit City just to have something to do.  We talked briefly about Circuit City going out of business, and then he told me that he had 3 computer monitors that were each just a couple of years old that were sitting in his basement taking up space and he was looking for a church that might be able to use them.  Really.  That’s why he was calling.

He said that if we needed them we could just stop by to get them.  I thanked him for the offer and told him that I’d check with the school to see if they had any need for them and that I’d get back to him.

And this is why they pay me the big bucks.

I was listening to NPR on Sunday morning on my way to church.  I only listened for a few minutes, but the host of the show was quoting an author whom she was about to interview.  The author had written a book about his experience with depression and had written that the ‘opposite of depression is not happiness it is vitality.’  And I thought, “yeah! That’s it!  It’s not about being happy, it’s about feeling vitality.”

vi-tal-i-ty
noun
the state of being strong and active; energy
the power giving continuance of life, present in all living things

For such a long time now I’ve just felt like such a slug.  I’ve been so drained of energy and so unwilling to get up and engage in anything.  I haven’t wanted to interact with people.  I’ve felt weak and tired.  Sure, sadness is a component of it, and so is an inability (or maybe unwillingness) to feel joy.  But, really, truly, the depression has taken away my energy and just left me feeling and acting like a lump.

I was so lucky to find a good therapist here.  She is so insightful and has been able to name some very important patterns in my behavior and in my belief structures.  Having clarity about those things have allowed me to make some small changes in the way that I approach the world and it has made such a huge difference in how I feel and act every day.  I can slowly feel my vitality returning.