Friday, March 24, 2006

The Perfect Wife

The title of a CNN news article today was 'Perfect wife' Confesses to Preacher's Slaying'.  A young woman with three children is accused of murdering her husband, a preacher.  His body was found in their home two days ago and she was found with the children a few states away.  A parishioner described Mary Winkler as always seeming like "the perfect mother, the perfect wife," with very loving children.

Isn't that always how these news articles go?  "He was so quiet, such a nice man."  "She was the perfect wife."  "He was so devoted to his church and family."  People have said all of these things about others in disbelief when they have learned of a crime that they committed.

I have a theory about this.  My theory is that our fear of exposing our weaknesses, our brokeness, our mistakes, causes us to keep all of it inside and eventually we just can't hold it inside and something terrible happens as a result.  We don't tell our friends and co-workers about the imperfect parts of our marriages or the times that we really screw up as a parent.  We don't share our insecurities and struggles with those that we claim to be closest to us.  We don't talk to one another about tough things - real things - that need to be addressed in order for our relationships to be healthy. Instead, we put a big smile on our face and act like everything is wonderful.  In the end, our unwillingness to be authentic with one another leaves us isolated and the isolation only adds to our insecurity and fear.  Inevitably, something bad happens.Some people do terribly destructive things to themselves and others do destructive things to the people around them.

I'm so glad that no one ever thinks of me as the perfect wife or the perfect mother or the perfect anything for that matter.  I am so grateful that my brokeness, my imperfections, and my mistakes are out in the world for all to see.  While the people around me might not always be so pleased that I am willing to be "out there" and make mistakes and test the world and be my authentic self, I know that it is the only way that I can really truly be in relationship with those around me.  It is the only way that I can prevent myself from collapsing under the weight of my own brokeness.  It is by sharing one another's burdens and helping one another to bring those burdens and struggles to Jesus that we prevent the isolation that so often leads to tragedy.

Posted by julie at 19:44:52 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |
Comments
1 - It's always hard for me to believe that "no one could believe" it. We all have our demons, if we share them and ask for friendship and help, or not. What a sad situation for her children, especially, and for all of us who grieve for them and, consequently, have another ache in our hearts. I love you. (Comment this)

Written by: Mom at 2006/03/25 - 14:32:36
2 - OK! I admit. As a rector's wife, I can imagine being in this woman's shoes. Imagien the priest's schedule plus having young children at home. Given the right circumstances, I can totally imagine doing something like this. I am actually surprised this doesn't happen more. Sad to say...

If more women were imperfect and allowed themselves to real in community - maybe even went to the bar every so often, I think we wouldn't see this happen much at all.

It is such a huge slap in the face when this happens to women in church community though. How can the church serve mothers better? Or is it that women, particularly the priest's wife, won't let themselves be served?

My two cents,
Rebecca (Comment this)

Written by: Rebecca M. at 2006/03/26 - 18:28:03
3 - Consider this: People who don't know the family should be aware that Matthew Winkler’s father, Dan Winkler, is a true-to-life "Hail, Fire and Brimstone" fundamentalist preacher from the South. I know because I, along with many other Church members from the Beltline Church of Christ (Decatur, AL) were subjected to his guilt and fear ridden sermons for nearly 10 years. We are talking about a man who has serious, deep-seeded issues with control and power. Subjecting your family to this control and instilling fear in them and demanding they be "Perfect" as Christ was, is bound to backfire on you somewhere down the road (directly or indirectly). I feel sorry for Mary and Matthew’s children now because they will have to endure the same upbringing with Mr. Winkler, Sr. I’m sure he’ll dish out the same destructive child rearing tactics he forcefully shoved down the throats of his own family and pass it along to his grandchildren. Does God really find favor with this destructive way of life? Does He smile when Church members go away from sermons feeling worthless and uninspired because the Preacher continually reminds them of how “sinful” they are??? Mary Winkler is the product of a repressed Church of Christ person who has a list of terrible things that happened to her throughout life which would be difficult for anyone to endure and yet, as a preachers wife you have to always remain perfect and have your “frozen smile” on for everyone to observe. It’s still not an excuse to kill someone. The Church at Selmer should be ashamed of itself for publicly announcing they support Mary 100%. You’re doing this because you’re being controlled people- controlled by a bunch of Elders who think they know what’s best for you and who don’t want you to “think” for yourselves. Trust me, no one around the country is saying, “ Wow, look at those wonderful, forgiving, church people in Selmer! My what an example they have set for the world.” It’s quite the opposite. You appear as deeply disturbed people who have forgiven someone who committed a cold-blooded murder without even knowing the facts. Would you have been so forgiving if Matthew had been the one to kill Mary???? I seriously doubt it. God is not watching you with a microscope people. You don’t have to feel like miserable sinners 7 days a week. You can think for yourselves. Let’s hope this destructive cycle of "Fear and Guilt Christianity will soon come to an end. Please pray for those three little girls. They are the ones who are going to suffer the most. (Comment this)

Written by: MG at 2006/04/28 - 08:45:58
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